Orbitwheels are Moon Shoes 2.0.

Essentially, Orbitwheels are the Moon Shoes of the 21st century. They look and sound just cool enough to kids to make people want them, but they never live up to the promise.

Portable Home Gym works fine, but makes you look retarded.

I was going to start this post about the Portable Home Gym the way I usually do, with some snappy little one liner or a quick faux quotation. Unfortunately, people seem to like this thing. Luckily, you have to look retarded to use it.

You get on the floor where you belong, fish.

You know what I hate most about fish tanks? How elevated and eye-level they are. Luckily, the Aqua End Table with Glass Top exists so I can have my fish out of sight and out of mind. That way they can die in peace.

WiFi Signal Locator Key-Chain. Have you guessed the problem with this yet?

"Man, I really want to get on the internet, but I really don't want to turn on my iPad without being 100-freakin'-percent sure that there's WiFi."

"First of all, that's a piece of cardboard, not an iPad. Second of all, there's no need for an iPad, because I have this WiFi Signal Locator Key-Chain!

"Dude, this is totally an iPad. I'm just using the 'Card Board' app."

"..."

The Revolving Tie Rack reminds me of a simpler time, before common sense.

Do you have a lot of 'C' batteries and ties, but no way to use them together? Then the Revolving Tie Rack is perfect for you!

If you can afford a Portable Video Magnifier, then you can afford a magnifying glass. See the problem?

The Portable Video Magnifier is one of those devices that make you sick when you think about it. At a hefty $789, this thing costs $300 more than my first car. Still, you know some poor grandmother with bad vision will buy one of these to try and be "hip" for her grandchildren.

Designer LED Reading Glasses make lamps obsolete

Do you love to read but hate lamps and the sun? Then these Designer LED Reading Glasses are perfect for you! Oh, but did I mention that they don't actually magnify anything?

Hey cat lovers! Forget litter pans, make your cat poop like a man with the Cat Toilet Training System!

"Snickers, if you want to live in this house you have to live under my rules, understand?"
"Meow."
"...And one of my most important rules is no pooping all over the place like an animal. You following me?"
"Meow."
"That's why I got you this Cat Toilet Training System to teach you how to poop - LIKE A MAN."
"Meeeee-ow!"

No Blind Spot Rear View Mirror works best with vampires

At first glance, you may wonder whats so crazy about the No Blind Spot Rear View Mirror. Then you look at the picture and realize OH MY GOD THERE'S NO ONE DRIVING THIS CAR IN RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC!

Forget the Ghost Busters, get a Ghost Meter and find your own damn ghosts

Are you tired of second-hand worn out ghosts? Then you need The Ghost Meter so you can find your own ghosts!

You can play God with the Solar Powered Rainbow Maker

Do you love rainbows but hate waiting for rain? Then the Solar Powered Rainbow Maker is perfect for you! Think about this. You can buy a rainbow machine. A. Rainbow. Machine.

Peeing Boy Fountain - because your lawn needs more naked children.

This seems like one of those statues that R. Kelly would have. Sorry, R. Kelly, but this product isn't available for rush delivery.

Super not-lame Bigfoot Garden Yeti Sculpture looks great next to your grotto

Here's a gift for that special little History Channel fanatic in your life -- the Bigfoot Garden Yeti Sculpture! 

Pet Styling System

Look at that smug face. That's the face of an animal that will only accept the best. And that's the hand of an idiot willing to pay for it. The Pet Styling System is just like a normal hair dryer, but it blows even harder.

Cosmetic Teeth

Are you embarrassed by your ugly-ass teeth? Do you enjoy dressing as a Vampire for Halloween because you can hide your snaggly-tooth? Then these Cosmetic Teeth are perfect for you!

Grim Reaper LCD Alarm Clock

"Grandpa, I got you a present!"
"What is it, child?"
"Its a Grim Reaper LCD Alarm Clock. Now every time you check to see if its time for Wheel of Fortune you'll be reminded of your impending death!"
"..."

Mademoiselle Floor Lamp

Need something both terrifying and ridiculously expensive for your haunted house this Halloween? Then the Mademoiselle Floor Lamp would be perfect for you!

FakeTV Burglar Deterrent

Are you too poor to own a television but worried someone will steal your crap anyway? Then the FakeTV Burglar Deterrent is perfect for you!